Hi Kayleigh! First off, I just want to let you know that I really like your layout of your website. I also liked your introduction, it was short and sweet and extremely easy to see that you're doing a portfolio project. I've visited many other student's sites where it was hard to see if the first story was their introduction or what it was. So I really appreciate that you had an introduction so I could see what you were doing and navigate to your first story as easy as possible. I really enjoyed the part of the Ramanya where Rama goes off to find the golden deer for Sita. I really liked how you gave Sita more of a voice. As you probably noticed in the Ramanya, she doesn't get much of a voice and just has to enter into exile with Rama just because they're married. I'm also glad you made Rama show how much he values and loves Sita because that is extremely important. Good job on your first story and I look forward to reading more of your retellings.
Kayleigh, I read you Portfolio story, The Chase. I thought that your version of Ramayana chasing the rakshasa, Maricha, was way more entertaining than the original version. It was a different side of Rama to see him warn out and almost unable to walk. Also, you gave a voice to his enemy, when stories are usually one-sided. You did give Sita more of a voice, too, and I thought that it was interesting to see Lakshmana hold off on helping his brother. This story is similar to the tale that I wrote of the golden deer chase for this week's storytelling. In my version, Lakshmana did not help Rama, either. I wanted Rama and Lakshmana's brotherly relationship to seem very solid, and to show that they trusted each other completely. Perhaps this level of brotherly trust is something that you can explore throughout your Portfolio editing. Also, I would suggest writing more substantial paragraphs so that everything flows more nicely. Good job on this!
I just finished your portfolio story, The Chase. Overall, I think you did a great job on this story. I really like that Maricha took the form of a dragon fly, because as you said in the story, it is much harder to catch than a deer. You did mention that Rama wasn't sure why he was chasing the bug, and I had that question as well. I assumed he could have been chasing it because Sita had asked him, but since he was doing so with a bow and arrow, which probably would have destroyed the bug, I wasn't so sure. I guess he could be trying to capture the bug with his hands for Sita until he realizes he is being tricked, and then shoot the bug with an arrow.
I think my favorite part of the story was Maricha wondering if he should have been a larger, easier to catch animal, such as an elephant. I liked that you told a lot of the story from his point of view.
Again, great job! I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Hi Kayleigh! First off I really like the layout of your site, it is very easy to navigate. I really like how you added a little teaser introduction on the home screen to your first story. I read your first story, The Chase, and I think it is fantastic. I was way more interested and attentive to your version than I was with the original. I think changing from a deer to a dragonfly is perfect. It is a seemingly small detail to change but in reality you can write a nearly completely new story just by making that one change. I like how you showed a different, weaker side of Rama as well. The original does not often portray him as anything but strong and confident. The fact that he questions himself and almost accepts his defeat is something new that I really liked. One suggestion I have is to maybe add a different title to the portfolio other than "Portfolio Project" just to add a little bit of originality to it. Overall , I think you have done a great job so far!
Hello Kayleigh! The first thing I enjoyed about your story is actually your introduction to your story! It is very unique. Your page is also super easy to navigate, using the embed links is a great tool that you utilized. The change of charter is great, the idea of making the deer a dragon fly is genius because of how swift a dragon fly is. I think it would be cool if you made the story have a second dragon fly to distract the attention of Rama. It would be interesting to see how he would react to dealing with two dragon flies. Especially during the time of the dragon fly mimicking Rama. Rama as we know is a very strong and focused individual. So, for you to have a part in your story where he has doubt was a nice was to show Rama has different sides to him. I like how you stayed on tract with the story. Rama always had eyes for Sita and when he remembered that he was able to perform as he should. The story is very easy to follow! Good Job.
Kayleigh, the title of your story really caught my attention! I was curious to see what it would be about and it turned out to be something unexpected. I really enjoyed how light you introduced Rama chasing the dragonfly. After you mentioned its name, I was slightly confused of what this dragonfly could be to Rama and why he was chasing it. It was also a tad confusing when you mentioned that he was in that form, so it could be better to inform that Maricha was a rakshasa. Although, I do like that you had Maricha scream in Rama's voice to catch Sita's attention and how you had Sita fight back against Lakshmana. Woman power! I wonder if the ending could be different. What if Sita could go off to find Rama herself and end it where she does find Rama or she is captured in the midst of finding him instead? It would be interesting to see how you could expand on the situation to prove how much she can't live without Rama. Great start to your portfolio, can't wait to see more!
Hi Kayleigh, I love your title "The Chase." This really grasped my attention and I was excited to read your story. I guess the randomizer gave me the right story to read! The beginning of your story is very detailed and interesting. You do a really good job of making the reader develop a picture of the story in their heads, and that's great! This is probably one of the most in depth stories I have read so far, you did a great job. I like the incorporation of the dragonfly. It is something very simple, but very easy to build a story and dialogue around. I like the dependence that Site has on Rama. Having them be so close makes this story an even better read. Your portfolio layout is also very nice and neat. I think you chose a good picture for this story with the dragonfly. Great start to your portfolio and I look forward to reading more of your stories in the future! Brooks
Hey Kayleigh! Let me start out by saying that I really like that layout of your portfolio. Its super organized and clean cut but still has enough to not feel boring or lack luster. The title of your first story, "The Chase", was a good ambiguous title and it really spikes that interest. The story as a whole was well written and very descriptive. You did an amazing job painting the picture of Rama running after a dragonfly. It does seem ridiculous that Rama is attempting to catch a dragonfly with a bow and arrow. Changing the golden deer to a dragonfly for you retelling was a good choice. It added to the story very well. I also read "Crossing the River". You did an amazing job writing that story as well. I noticed that you tend to start you stories kind of outright. Like, you don't set up a background, you kind of just go into it and fill in the details as the story progresses. That style of writing really works for you and it provides for a great read. Great job!
Hey Kayleigh, I read your story "Crossing the River" this week. For starter- I like your website design. It definitley feels like a blog, but has a very clean finish. You should try to get rid of the side bar that shows your account. Or at least add a profile picture so it looks a little better. Now on to your story. I noticed a typo where it says "It was upset" and I think you mean "he was upset" or maybe "it was upsetting" either way, give that a look. Other than that, the story read very well and seems like a good addition to your previous story. I was surprised to see that you used characters from the Ramayana again! Guess you really like the dynamic between Sita and Rama. You don't really get so much of that romance in the Mahabharata. I like your idea to make Rama upset about leaving home. I have this very sad music playing in my apartment right now, so it really set the mood. Anyways, great job on the story, and I look forward to seeing you make it longer and better! Good luck!
This week I read your "Crossing the River"! I enjoyed reading your first story. So , I was interested in this one as well! This story was great because I like how you made it a point to show the emotional effect that traveling to Ayodhya had on Rama. I like how you put effort into researching the Ganges River. That really shows your dedication to telling the story in details. In your authors note you stated that the Ganges River is actually large and It was a great idea to incorporate that into your story.
Rama and Sita's story is such a drama filled story and you do a great job remaking it! I am looking forward to read the other additions to your portfolio. It will be interesting to see what all you actually research and find out to incorporate in the new story that you tell.
Hey Kayleigh! I read both of your stories, and I think you have a knack for writing and adding suspense to your stories! I thought it was really clever and creative to change Maricha to something much harder to catch, and I thought it added an additional layer to his narcissism. As for the second story, I enjoyed that you included more backstory to why the Ganges river was so important. I think you could add more dialogue, but I am partial to dialogue anyway. I noticed your title right away, and I see that I'm not the only one! It really drew me in with its simplicity. I also liked that you made Rama more human by telling about his feelings and his connection to his home. I think it's great to see him not only as the "indestructible" hero we know him as, but also as a relatable character that anyone could be.
I really love the look of your website. It is so clean cut and organized. You were able to put some really neat pictures on your pages, while still making it easy to read. I often have problems with going too overboard in design, making my stories harder to read. I read your story, Crossing the River” and I really enjoyed it. I appreciated how you broke your story into smaller paragraphs because that also makes it much easier to read. It was honestly pretty hard for me to find anything to critique. I really couldn’t even find any grammar or spelling mistakes so you have done a really great job! The only thing that I might do is make the picture on your story a little bigger. That could just be personal preference but it looks like a really beautiful picture and I wish I could see it more!
Hi Kayleigh! First of all, the picture of the dragonfly that you chose is absolutely stunning. The colors really pop, making the first impression really awesome. The way that you changed the stories was lovely and nuanced. It's not too flashy, and as fun as reading about the characters in alternate storylines can be, the changes you made were so precise, and they made the stories much more powerful. I did wonder if there were more changes that could've been made to differentiate the story of the gang crossing the Ganges more from the original. It was definitely more rooted in the emotional aspect of the journey, though, which was so powerful. I also wondered if maybe Lakshmana could've played a bit larger role. That may jut be me, though. I always felt like maybe he is underdeveloped in the originals, and since you did such a great job with the other characters, it could be fun to see more thoughts and emotions from him. Great job!!
Hey Kayleigh! The first thing I noticed when clicking on your portfolio was the set-up. The dragonfly picture was a great choice, and I like that you included the short description below. Your website is easily navigable and looks great. Content wise, the first two stories had me laughing at times, sitting on the edge of my seat, and just going through so many different thoughts. You're a talented writer and you're awesome at setting scenes and generating suspense! The chase was a perfect opening to your portfolio with Rama and Sita's connection, and I thought it was great that you changed the deer into a dragonfly in your story while keeping some of the original details in there! Crossing The River was written very well, and I like all of the details about the Ganges river and the importance of this journey! Great job, I can't wait to see the rest of your portfolio!
Hi Kayleigh! First, I will comment on the overall look of your portfolio. I like the background picture you used and the other images you used for your stories. I feel as though you could add some more color to your portfolio, but it is up to you. For both of your stories I enjoyed the style you chose to write them in and the way you made the stories your own. I think the most memorable aspect is that you personified the Ganges River which is something I would have not have even thought to do. One of my main questions pertaining to “Crossing the River” is if the Ganges River could have hurt them if it wanted to. What if you extended the story and added a scene about an intense battle between the Ganges River and Rama? I feel as though this would add a really cool action scene to the story.
Hi Kayleigh! I like your pictures of dragonflies, they really let the reader know what the story is going to be about. I don't really understand the significance of your background photo... It looks really pretty but I'm not sure how it connects to your portfolio as a whole. I'm actually not in your class so I haven't read this story and throughout "The Chase" I felt kind of lost because I didn't have any background knowledge. I didn't know why Rama was chasing Maricha or why it was such a big deal to catch him. I think a little more character development and some background information would be really helpful here. As for "Crossing the River": Again, you utilize your pictures well and they fit in great with your story. I recommend going back through and trimming down your writing a bit. You say the same things in different ways at several points in the story so, in order to avoid sounding redundant, I would think about what you want to say, pick your favorite phrasing of that and then get rid of the other sentences that sound close! Overall, you're doing well and those suggested changes shouldn't be super major! It was super cool to see what the other class is doing! Good luck with the rest of the semester!
I am also writing about Rama and Sita so I was excited to read these stories in your project. I felt like the story of Rama and Sita would be easy to relate our own lives to and give them a present day feel to an old story. I first read the Dragon fly story and I am going to write my next story on the Rama chasing the golden deer. I think this is really the changing point in the story of Rama and Sita as it sets up the epic battle between Ravana and Rama. I like how you mixed up what Rama was chasing and used your image to describe that. I like when the image is very telling of the story and can add in some color to what the writing is. Great job on this project and hope you can find your way to my project and comment on it as well. Keep up the good work!
Hi Kayleigh! First off, I just want to let you know that I really like your layout of your website. I also liked your introduction, it was short and sweet and extremely easy to see that you're doing a portfolio project. I've visited many other student's sites where it was hard to see if the first story was their introduction or what it was. So I really appreciate that you had an introduction so I could see what you were doing and navigate to your first story as easy as possible. I really enjoyed the part of the Ramanya where Rama goes off to find the golden deer for Sita. I really liked how you gave Sita more of a voice. As you probably noticed in the Ramanya, she doesn't get much of a voice and just has to enter into exile with Rama just because they're married. I'm also glad you made Rama show how much he values and loves Sita because that is extremely important. Good job on your first story and I look forward to reading more of your retellings.
ReplyDeleteKayleigh, I read you Portfolio story, The Chase. I thought that your version of Ramayana chasing the rakshasa, Maricha, was way more entertaining than the original version. It was a different side of Rama to see him warn out and almost unable to walk. Also, you gave a voice to his enemy, when stories are usually one-sided. You did give Sita more of a voice, too, and I thought that it was interesting to see Lakshmana hold off on helping his brother. This story is similar to the tale that I wrote of the golden deer chase for this week's storytelling. In my version, Lakshmana did not help Rama, either. I wanted Rama and Lakshmana's brotherly relationship to seem very solid, and to show that they trusted each other completely. Perhaps this level of brotherly trust is something that you can explore throughout your Portfolio editing. Also, I would suggest writing more substantial paragraphs so that everything flows more nicely. Good job on this!
ReplyDeleteKayleigh,
ReplyDeleteI just finished your portfolio story, The Chase. Overall, I think you did a great job on this story. I really like that Maricha took the form of a dragon fly, because as you said in the story, it is much harder to catch than a deer. You did mention that Rama wasn't sure why he was chasing the bug, and I had that question as well. I assumed he could have been chasing it because Sita had asked him, but since he was doing so with a bow and arrow, which probably would have destroyed the bug, I wasn't so sure. I guess he could be trying to capture the bug with his hands for Sita until he realizes he is being tricked, and then shoot the bug with an arrow.
I think my favorite part of the story was Maricha wondering if he should have been a larger, easier to catch animal, such as an elephant. I liked that you told a lot of the story from his point of view.
Again, great job! I look forward to seeing more of your work.
Hi Kayleigh! First off I really like the layout of your site, it is very easy to navigate. I really like how you added a little teaser introduction on the home screen to your first story. I read your first story, The Chase, and I think it is fantastic. I was way more interested and attentive to your version than I was with the original. I think changing from a deer to a dragonfly is perfect. It is a seemingly small detail to change but in reality you can write a nearly completely new story just by making that one change. I like how you showed a different, weaker side of Rama as well. The original does not often portray him as anything but strong and confident. The fact that he questions himself and almost accepts his defeat is something new that I really liked. One suggestion I have is to maybe add a different title to the portfolio other than "Portfolio Project" just to add a little bit of originality to it. Overall , I think you have done a great job so far!
ReplyDeleteHello Kayleigh! The first thing I enjoyed about your story is actually your introduction to your story! It is very unique. Your page is also super easy to navigate, using the embed links is a great tool that you utilized. The change of charter is great, the idea of making the deer a dragon fly is genius because of how swift a dragon fly is. I think it would be cool if you made the story have a second dragon fly to distract the attention of Rama. It would be interesting to see how he would react to dealing with two dragon flies. Especially during the time of the dragon fly mimicking Rama. Rama as we know is a very strong and focused individual. So, for you to have a part in your story where he has doubt was a nice was to show Rama has different sides to him. I like how you stayed on tract with the story. Rama always had eyes for Sita and when he remembered that he was able to perform as he should. The story is very easy to follow! Good Job.
ReplyDeleteKayleigh, the title of your story really caught my attention! I was curious to see what it would be about and it turned out to be something unexpected. I really enjoyed how light you introduced Rama chasing the dragonfly. After you mentioned its name, I was slightly confused of what this dragonfly could be to Rama and why he was chasing it. It was also a tad confusing when you mentioned that he was in that form, so it could be better to inform that Maricha was a rakshasa. Although, I do like that you had Maricha scream in Rama's voice to catch Sita's attention and how you had Sita fight back against Lakshmana. Woman power! I wonder if the ending could be different. What if Sita could go off to find Rama herself and end it where she does find Rama or she is captured in the midst of finding him instead? It would be interesting to see how you could expand on the situation to prove how much she can't live without Rama. Great start to your portfolio, can't wait to see more!
ReplyDeleteHi Kayleigh,
ReplyDeleteI love your title "The Chase." This really grasped my attention and I was excited to read your story. I guess the randomizer gave me the right story to read! The beginning of your story is very detailed and interesting. You do a really good job of making the reader develop a picture of the story in their heads, and that's great! This is probably one of the most in depth stories I have read so far, you did a great job. I like the incorporation of the dragonfly. It is something very simple, but very easy to build a story and dialogue around. I like the dependence that Site has on Rama. Having them be so close makes this story an even better read. Your portfolio layout is also very nice and neat. I think you chose a good picture for this story with the dragonfly. Great start to your portfolio and I look forward to reading more of your stories in the future!
Brooks
Hey Kayleigh! Let me start out by saying that I really like that layout of your portfolio. Its super organized and clean cut but still has enough to not feel boring or lack luster. The title of your first story, "The Chase", was a good ambiguous title and it really spikes that interest. The story as a whole was well written and very descriptive. You did an amazing job painting the picture of Rama running after a dragonfly. It does seem ridiculous that Rama is attempting to catch a dragonfly with a bow and arrow. Changing the golden deer to a dragonfly for you retelling was a good choice. It added to the story very well. I also read "Crossing the River". You did an amazing job writing that story as well. I noticed that you tend to start you stories kind of outright. Like, you don't set up a background, you kind of just go into it and fill in the details as the story progresses. That style of writing really works for you and it provides for a great read. Great job!
ReplyDeleteHey Kayleigh, I read your story "Crossing the River" this week. For starter- I like your website design. It definitley feels like a blog, but has a very clean finish. You should try to get rid of the side bar that shows your account. Or at least add a profile picture so it looks a little better. Now on to your story. I noticed a typo where it says "It was upset" and I think you mean "he was upset" or maybe "it was upsetting" either way, give that a look. Other than that, the story read very well and seems like a good addition to your previous story. I was surprised to see that you used characters from the Ramayana again! Guess you really like the dynamic between Sita and Rama. You don't really get so much of that romance in the Mahabharata. I like your idea to make Rama upset about leaving home. I have this very sad music playing in my apartment right now, so it really set the mood. Anyways, great job on the story, and I look forward to seeing you make it longer and better! Good luck!
ReplyDeleteHello Kayleigh,
ReplyDeleteThis week I read your "Crossing the River"! I enjoyed reading your first story. So , I was interested in this one as well! This story was great because I like how you made it a point to show the emotional effect that traveling to Ayodhya had on Rama. I like how you put effort into researching the Ganges River. That really shows your dedication to telling the story in details. In your authors note you stated that the Ganges River is actually large and It was a great idea to incorporate that into your story.
Rama and Sita's story is such a drama filled story and you do a great job remaking it! I am looking forward to read the other additions to your portfolio. It will be interesting to see what all you actually research and find out to incorporate in the new story that you tell.
Hey Kayleigh!
ReplyDeleteI read both of your stories, and I think you have a knack for writing and adding suspense to your stories! I thought it was really clever and creative to change Maricha to something much harder to catch, and I thought it added an additional layer to his narcissism. As for the second story, I enjoyed that you included more backstory to why the Ganges river was so important. I think you could add more dialogue, but I am partial to dialogue anyway.
I noticed your title right away, and I see that I'm not the only one! It really drew me in with its simplicity.
I also liked that you made Rama more human by telling about his feelings and his connection to his home. I think it's great to see him not only as the "indestructible" hero we know him as, but also as a relatable character that anyone could be.
Hey Kayleigh!
ReplyDeleteI really love the look of your website. It is so clean cut and organized. You were able to put some really neat pictures on your pages, while still making it easy to read. I often have problems with going too overboard in design, making my stories harder to read. I read your story, Crossing the River” and I really enjoyed it. I appreciated how you broke your story into smaller paragraphs because that also makes it much easier to read. It was honestly pretty hard for me to find anything to critique. I really couldn’t even find any grammar or spelling mistakes so you have done a really great job! The only thing that I might do is make the picture on your story a little bigger. That could just be personal preference but it looks like a really beautiful picture and I wish I could see it more!
Hi Kayleigh!
ReplyDeleteFirst of all, the picture of the dragonfly that you chose is absolutely stunning. The colors really pop, making the first impression really awesome. The way that you changed the stories was lovely and nuanced. It's not too flashy, and as fun as reading about the characters in alternate storylines can be, the changes you made were so precise, and they made the stories much more powerful. I did wonder if there were more changes that could've been made to differentiate the story of the gang crossing the Ganges more from the original. It was definitely more rooted in the emotional aspect of the journey, though, which was so powerful. I also wondered if maybe Lakshmana could've played a bit larger role. That may jut be me, though. I always felt like maybe he is underdeveloped in the originals, and since you did such a great job with the other characters, it could be fun to see more thoughts and emotions from him. Great job!!
Hey Kayleigh!
ReplyDeleteThe first thing I noticed when clicking on your portfolio was the set-up. The dragonfly picture was a great choice, and I like that you included the short description below. Your website is easily navigable and looks great.
Content wise, the first two stories had me laughing at times, sitting on the edge of my seat, and just going through so many different thoughts. You're a talented writer and you're awesome at setting scenes and generating suspense!
The chase was a perfect opening to your portfolio with Rama and Sita's connection, and I thought it was great that you changed the deer into a dragonfly in your story while keeping some of the original details in there! Crossing The River was written very well, and I like all of the details about the Ganges river and the importance of this journey!
Great job, I can't wait to see the rest of your portfolio!
Hi Kayleigh! First, I will comment on the overall look of your portfolio. I like the background picture you used and the other images you used for your stories. I feel as though you could add some more color to your portfolio, but it is up to you. For both of your stories I enjoyed the style you chose to write them in and the way you made the stories your own. I think the most memorable aspect is that you personified the Ganges River which is something I would have not have even thought to do. One of my main questions pertaining to “Crossing the River” is if the Ganges River could have hurt them if it wanted to. What if you extended the story and added a scene about an intense battle between the Ganges River and Rama? I feel as though this would add a really cool action scene to the story.
ReplyDeleteHi Kayleigh!
ReplyDeleteI like your pictures of dragonflies, they really let the reader know what the story is going to be about. I don't really understand the significance of your background photo... It looks really pretty but I'm not sure how it connects to your portfolio as a whole.
I'm actually not in your class so I haven't read this story and throughout "The Chase" I felt kind of lost because I didn't have any background knowledge. I didn't know why Rama was chasing Maricha or why it was such a big deal to catch him. I think a little more character development and some background information would be really helpful here.
As for "Crossing the River":
Again, you utilize your pictures well and they fit in great with your story. I recommend going back through and trimming down your writing a bit. You say the same things in different ways at several points in the story so, in order to avoid sounding redundant, I would think about what you want to say, pick your favorite phrasing of that and then get rid of the other sentences that sound close!
Overall, you're doing well and those suggested changes shouldn't be super major!
It was super cool to see what the other class is doing! Good luck with the rest of the semester!
Kayleigh,
ReplyDeleteI am also writing about Rama and Sita so I was excited to read these stories in your project. I felt like the story of Rama and Sita would be easy to relate our own lives to and give them a present day feel to an old story. I first read the Dragon fly story and I am going to write my next story on the Rama chasing the golden deer. I think this is really the changing point in the story of Rama and Sita as it sets up the epic battle between Ravana and Rama. I like how you mixed up what Rama was chasing and used your image to describe that. I like when the image is very telling of the story and can add in some color to what the writing is. Great job on this project and hope you can find your way to my project and comment on it as well. Keep up the good work!